woe is you single woman

Wait single woman, are you smiling? Don't you know that at this very moment, hundreds of people are analyzing the likelihood that you'll get married and bear children? STOP SMILING! Don't you know that if you don't achieve these two monumental events you're life is doomed to hell!!! You mustn't know, so let me develop tons of "scientific" studies to make sure you understand just how bleak your fate is, and to make you ready for your sad, pathetic life. Matter of fact, someone grab her fabulous handbag and cut off her strap before she hangs herself. Wait! Dig in her bag and grab her passport before she flees the country in a fit of grief. Hold on! Rip the leg off her impeccable skinny jeans, before she fashions a choke hold with it. Snatch her multiple degrees of her OWNED mortgage walls, before uses it to start a blaze!!! I mean how could any single woman possibly be even remotely happy when she's *gasp* single, and *double gasp* single with no prospects.

So for all of my single women who happen to be happy, productive and fabulous, in spite of being afflicted with the day to day *illness* of being single, raise your glass and toast, you have a comrade in me.

And society, will you please get off my damn ring finger and my ovaries!