She.

She slept on a tiny sofa for two sleepless nights.

The first was interrupted by many attendees, coming to check levels and adjust needles. The second we both slept due to sheer exhaustion.

She finally told me how weeks leading up to it, she wanted to yell "DON'T DO IT". She was so worried something bad would happen. She never said it, as to not worry me, but she could have because I shared the same fear.

My fear was that I would die and leave her alone. Cause while others"claim" me, I'm truly hers. If I died, others would mourn temporarily and move on, but she would mourn me forever.

So my concern was living, for her and for me. Neither of us are quite ready to part with each other.

That's why she was the only one, I made fully aware of what was happening.  Someone needed to worry, someone needed to know the gravity so if something went wrong, it wouldn't be a shock.  Cause while this was routine, it was still very very major.

And other people, don't know how to process it. They brush it off with a contrite, positive message, never taking the time to listen.  It annoyed me so much, I stopped sharing.  No need to talk about what someone doesn't want to listen to.

But her, I wanted her to prepared.  I tried to prepare myself. I spent lots of time talking to God about everything, just to be prepared.

And then she told randomly told me a story and I laughed.  How after visiting me in recovery she had a danish and had a terrible bout of heartburn.  I immediately knew, that wasn't it, but I was so out of it, I couldn't say.

So today I told her, you were scared.

When I come out of anesthesia it's never pretty.  I cry. I am disoriented. I panic.

This time, I asked for her. So they brought her to me, although that is typically not allowed, and upon seeing me wincing in pain with tears streaming down my face, it affected her.  She put both of her hands on my face and stroked and said "I'm here, don't cry. I'm here. Don't cry. I'm here. Don't cry." And I couldn't stop, because I was there.  And seeing her meant I was alive.  If I was dead and in heaven, then that meant she was dead too, which would need a super explanation.

But the more I cried the more pain I caused myself.  A nurse tried to make her go and she simply said "No.". Never breaking stride, "I'm here. Don't cry. I'm here Don't cry." Still soothing my face and finally I calmed down.

I was alive. She was there. I didn't need to cry.

Today she told me, she was still worried all day. I was so in and out of it. My friend came to visit and she just looked and could see how bad I was. That's not a sight many get to see of me. In that state of pain and helplessness.

But about 4 am, my nurses kicked everything into high gear and they made me stand.  And that's when she sighed and Thanked God because she knew I was okay.

Many lay claim to me, but I am really only hers.  And for that, I am thankful.  I recognize the favor in being her daughter. All Mothers are not created equal.  But mine, is a lioness and for that I am blessed.