I know what I know

I am glad that I know what I know.

I know when it's wrong and I know when it's right. And while I'll maybe hyper-sensitive in trying to prevent hurt, I also know that my gut tends to be right when it comes to self-preservation. I also know that my attempts to prevent pain, never actually prevent pain.

I also know that I'm glad that I've learned how to rebound (somewhat graciously) from that hurt. I can be cool (it takes time), but there is a bit of relief in knowing what you always suspected, and now you can move forward.

I also know, this is life. This is what it is. Anticipating, enjoying, expectation, disappointment, realization, moving forward. It's a cycle. That's what life is. The lesson comes in handling and failing to handle each of those steps.

I still have a few lessons to learn. How to go all in without an inkling of a safety net, how to put me flat on the line without a sliver of an expectation of what will be returned. But perhaps those lessons aren't ones I need to know. I think I do okay with my test the waters method. I test and depend on the temp, I'll dip a toe in or run back to the shore. Some may say I spend too much time on the shore, but *shrug*

Self-Preservation is real. But it's real for a reason, there is a level of protection you must have for the most delicate and sensitive side of you. You have to have a level of care in deciding who to entrust your most sacred self to.

Again, I know what I know. I know what I'm built for and what I am not. In the weak moments it's hard to remember that, but somehow I'm reminded of why I feel how I feel and am re-strengthened in my position. It's not easy, but when I think of the repercussions, I know it's necessary.

I also know I don't afford others the same considerations I would expect myself. My expectations of others are way higher of what I expect of myself to offer. And it some instances that is what is necessary, in others...not so much.

But like I said, that's the point of it all. To live and to learn. And it's cyclic. So we have to do it over and over and over again.