......

Didn't think I would be back here again. And by here, I mean this digital space. I've considerably reduced my digital footprint, although I still tweet with reckless abandon, I am trying to keep more of me, out of the media that is captured forever. I considered shutting this blog down as well. Although, there are probably on 2 of you that read it, I still felt the need to remove its existence.

But I didn't. And probably for moments and times like these, where I need a place to express my honest self. Sure, I could journal, but I like the idea of having this space, set aside, just for me to share and explore my own issues.

Now, I could have easily started blogging again as a WMD (weapon of mass distraction). Even now, beside me is "riveting" reading concerning the 6th amendment, but instead I'm writing. Why?

Because today I had an epiphany. It may seem minor in the grand scheme of things and something that most of you already know, but for to me acknowledge and verbalize it, made it real.  And I also understood why I've never wanted to verbalize it before.

I want a relationship.

I want to give and receive. Be dependent and depended upon. Care and cared for. I want to give myself to someone else and receive them in return.

It's what I want. Why couldn't I really say that until now? Well, enter my extreme "rational-ness" and realistic view. That may never happen for me. I've always said I wanted babies. That is something I can control and produce on my own (sans needing another's DNA contribution). But really, if I wanted a kid, I could go out today and make it happen, or at least attempt to make it happen. And barring some physiological issue (*knocks on wood*), I'd be knocked up and having a kid. A mini-me. Big brown eyes, bushy black hair, cocoa skin.

And that is partly true for a relationship. I could go out and meet tons of men. I could date online, throw myself at strangers on the street or use social media. But even in doing so, it is not written, that I would like them or (as it happens most of the time) they will like me.  So enter fear and my ever present control issues.

Why would I openly admit to desiring something as chance and random as a relationship, when especially it may never happen? So I didn't. I said I desired companionship, resigning myself to the fact that "eh, someone will always be around", will suffice, but today I realized I wanted more than that. I want to be able to really fall into someone, and that would only happen within the confines of a commitment.

And I am your text-book commitment-phobe. See, fear. (again).  Why would I admit to desiring something that ends in disaster?  Because I'm scared. Because I fear the unknown and I fear what may go wrong. The most harmful consequence is what I seek to avoid, but at the same time, I've short changed myself by not articulating what it is I really want.

It may seem like a tiny step, but for my-kind, it is a leap.