..truth be told...

If I would be honest, I would say that when I met you I was in an alright space. It was an unsure space, but one that I could live with. In my mind it was the landing before blast off, because I'd assumed my life was going in an entirely different direction, than which it actually did. I met you in the midst of the calm before the storm. A storm that I didn't know was coming, so when I met you, I was open and willing to see, because I figured you would be the palate cleanser before my main course. But like I said, I was unaware of what would happen.

If I would be honest I would say that to describe my actions as a shut down, would be an huge understatement. To say I withdrew would be mild. In order for me to deal, I needed to change, I needed to stop feeling. So that's what I did. I stopped feeling. Emotions were(and still kinda are) faaarrr to messy for me to process, so I simply stopped. Then I began to use you. You provided a very necessary relief, at a time when all I needed was to relieve. I remember once hearing a quote that lust was consuming, dealing only with taking, while love was giving, and I was very much in a taking mood, seeing as I had nothing to give. The upside to this is we had very very very good times. The downside is I completely ignored and overlooked the person that you are. I was not interested in your likes, dislikes, interests, etc. I didn't want to hear anything and I made that very clear, sometimes in an extremely disrespectful way. For that I'm sorry. But heartache was clouding my judgement, so really charge it to my heart and not my mind.

If I would be honest I would say that today I'm ready to get to know you. But I fear you may not want to know me. If I would be honest I would say that I'm scared I'm confusing lust for infatuation for like. If I would be honest I would say that I'm scared I'm letting my desire to return myself to my true self, I'm reaching out to who's closest and determine to make it work, to show my growth. If I would be honest I would say I'm scared because although "the possibilites are endless" the truth is the do many things do come to an end. And I'm not sure I have another bad end left in me.

Now if only I could be honest.....