Raw Frustration

Disclaimer: This is very much a rambling thought. To do it punctuation justice I should have written one big paragraph with no commas or periods. But that would've been hell to read. Sorry it's so long, but again, it just came out.

I hate him, I hate him not because of the man that he is...well, actually I do hate him cause of the man that he is, that's very true. I gave him the most vulnerable part of me and he tarnished it, he trashed it. He acted like it didn't mean anything even though I know it did. It sucks to have good memories with someone and not have them come to fruition. As optimistic and Annie-like as I want to be I know the sun will come out tomorrow, but it doesn't change the fact that today there are clouds and it rains. It makes me sad, because I think back and I was happy. I was very genuinely happy with him.

In the middle of all the bullsh!t, cause there will always be bullshi!t, I found happiness with him. That doesn't happen, not to me. I'm not a fairy tale type of girl, I don't believe in happily ever after. But with him, I believed I could get my happily ever after, and I was willing to work to do what was needed to get that. Was it forced? No. Because I knew whatever I gave him I would get back 10fold. Whatever I did for him he would do for me, and he listened to me, he listened, like have a conversation and have immediate results listened type listened. I just don't' get it. How does something like that disappear? How does something like that fades? How does it not come to a pretty ending or conclusion or something? Does it disappear, like it never was? I mean I know it was and he knows it was, but nobody else does.

It should be written down like an epic, a love story, something. I don't know it just seems frustrating, it drives me nuts, that there is a person in this world that I felt so at home with that now I don't even speak to, I don't even talk to.

This is foolish, it's like the writing is on the wall, and I’ve read it and he's read it, but we won’t read it to each other. I feel like this is the worst situation to be in, a very bad feeling to have, to wonder why not? Not Why? But why not? To wonder why is to wonder the meaning of the things, and the being of things, are things circumstantial, evidential, happenstance and by chance, but why not is simply "Why can't we make this work?”

Even at the end of all, when you shattered my heart into a bajillion tiny pieces, you gave me closure. No other man has given me closure!!! They keep on keeping on, like they never gave a fuck, but you, no you cared. And that frustrates me even more, because you're still kind of a good guy, even though you still an asshole. To try and rationalize I go to my normal place, did I make this up? Did I imagine this? And you were quick to tell me no. You tell me this was not a product of my overactive imagination. You tell me we were real, that there once was an us, and we existed. We once were and now we are no longer.

This ending doesn't seem worthy of what we have. You got a girl, I'm sure she's nice and I'm sure she’s great, but I don't want you to marry her. I wish the best for you, I want you to be happy, healthy and whole, but I want you to be all of that with me. We planned that life, we talked about us, Sunday morning cartoons with the fam, and vacations for just us, who drives what car, flying my mother up, and sending the kids to see her and chasing each other around the house and surprise dinners and date night, and fussing and what would make each of us happy. That's what we were supposed to do. No one else was supposed to be involved, but somehow along the way we got uninvolved. Maybe we planned something that wasn't meant to be.

Will I always wonder about this, will I always wonder that you really were the one and we just fucked it all up and everyone else is 2nd best? I don't want this to be my experience.

I want to believe that God showed me you to show me what could be. Even though you were right, there were times when you were totally wrong. But you worked hard, you were passionate, motivated, you made me feel good, you made me laugh, you 'got' me, you understood my quirks, and you made me smile. You were all of that. Could you really be all of that and not be the man for me?