conjumbled thoughts

I'm going away with a boy. Well not really away, but away from home, for a mini-vacay. I've gone to see a boy, but I didn't like him. This boy I like. More than I thought I did. SMH. I have a terrible habit of that, realizing how much I liked someone after the fact. I guess I realized during this time. Is that progress? I'm such a mess in like. We had a tiff, before we are planned to go away. It seems like there is a pattern of that. A mini-argument and then a fantastic time. Calm before the storm, maybe? I am so confused. I got some words to ground me. "Stop Overthinking". I love my sister, she is the greatest. Either we'll be head over heels or head over hate by Saturday. I self-sabotage. It's so apparent. I will have to work on that. Mitigiation strategy for preventing your own happiness. Seems unnecessary but for me it is. Necessary I mean. Maybe I'll calm down. Maybe I won't. This nervous energy must dissipate. He likes to address things. I like to avoid. Avoidance is a perfect instrument of self-sabotage. So is deflection. Drinks will be consumed. Most definitely by me. A drunk man tells no tales. I bought lingerie. I am uncertain if I'll pack it. One risque and one not. I think he wants to be with me. Well he wanted to before a slight display of crazy-like behavior. It's very weird. I should let this feeling wash over me and bathe in it's light, but it washes away and leaves a sticky residue of terror. *Sigh*. I will be the obstacle to my happiness if I keep this up. I'm going away with a boy. A boy I really like. And I'm terrified and excited and nervous and anxious.